Words
by All-Things-TMNT
Summary: There wasn't a way to describe it. It was all so surreal. And yet there we were, trying to find the words in those moments after everything was lost. Based on the season three finale. Lots of spoilers and such.


There are certain moments that are impossible to describe.  
Things that we experience that are so much, that are too much, that we can't find a way to explain them.  
The things we feel are so intense, it breaks you to a point beyond recognition.  
One such example is watching your best friend deranged and trying to murder your family. Or watching your brother crash through a window, beaten and barely alive.  
Or watching your father die, and the entire world you know be destroyed right in front of you.  
Sometimes, there just aren't _words_.

* * *

******* _This is a one shot based off of the season three finale. If you haven't seen the finale and don't want spoilers, don't read this._

Raphael's P.O.V.:

We were all losing the fight. The world was about to be destroyed. All of our friends were falling.  
But none of that mattered.  
No, none of it, because the world was completely frozen.  
The only thing that mattered in those moments was my Sensei, my father...and the blades of Shredder's gauntlet as the were retracted through his body.  
Master Splinter's eyes were a wide as the moon above us, and his gaze was locked forward. But I don't think he was seeing anything.  
The moments afterwards were honestly a blur, and somehow we ended up there...that giant ring of death rising above us while we knelt beside Master Splinter. I watched as Leo raised his head into his lap and looked down with just...an emptiness. An emptiness I've never seen in Leo before.  
I could see his fingers feeling around on Sensei's neck, trying to find a pulse. Trying to find life. His pupils only grew bigger as he failed to do so.  
Mikey collapsed into sobs on top of Master Splinter's chest as the reality weighed in. No more carefree, easy going Mikey. No more happy, fun-loving parties. Just despair. Pure, utter despair.  
Donnie was more like me. Just...unable to move. Unable to process what we had just seen. It's pretty terrifying when the smart one in your group doesn't even understand. It just made me feel more lost in the moment.  
The weight of gravity was diminishing rapidly, and we all watched helplessly as our father's body, along with everyone else, floated towards that giant white light now above us. It was like watching a scene in slow motion. All of our friends, everything we knew and loved was disappearing. And out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Slash reaching towards me, but all I could focus on was my father, as he disappeared forever.  
And I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.  
I could feel myself starting to get pulled in, and that was when I heard Donnie's voice.  
"Raph, Leo, grab onto something!" He shouted.  
I suddenly looked back down to see April, Casey, Donnie and Mikey had all grabbed onto things rooted into the ground. Trying to hang on for those last few seconds.  
Trying to live for just a bit longer.  
But what was the point?  
This was the end. There was no miracle that was going to fix this. And we had lucked out so many times in the past, saving the world and everyone by sheer happenstance. But not this time. There was nothing we could do to right this wrong, and I saw no point in trying to make these feelings last longer by surviving for a few extra seconds.  
I turned my head back away from them, hoping they could understand what I wasn't saying, and that was when I saw Leo. Still out in the open, still staring up at the hole ripping the sky apart, and still completely blank. And I was suddenly filled with the need to get my brother anchored down like the others.  
Just because I didn't want to face this didn't meant I wanted my brothers to die with me. I mean, I knew it was inevitable...but after seeing my dad die, and almost all of my friends disappear moments before this, I couldn't stand to see anyone else I loved go.  
I didn't say anything. He didn't either. I just grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him by the remainder of our friends and family. I grabbed onto the bench and looked at him, pleading. He didn't respond. He simply lowered himself down next to me and placed on hand on it too, in a half hearted attempt to survive.  
The next thing I knew, there was a new light. A different one, and right before us, a space ship I had never even seen lowered its door to us. There stood... _something_ , urging us to go with it.  
"Can we trust him?!" Donnie exclaimed, not sure of what to do.  
I waited for Leo to answer. I waited for him to give an order. I waited for him to do something, but all he could do was stare. And my heart cracked just a little more at the thought that I could have already lost my older brother, too.  
"Do we have a choice?!" April screamed, running towards this new ship. Donnie, Casey, Mikey and I all followed suit. I took three steps before I realized Leo wasn't following me. No, he was still behind the bench, starring up at the black hole now sucking in giant pieces of land mass.  
We didn't have any more time, so I turned around and grabbed him again, yanking him up. All he did in response was turn and look at me, so lost in himself. So...void. But we had to get out of there. I refused to lose anything else. I nodded at him, hoping he understood. And with no reaction, he let me drag him along onto that mysterious...robot's ship.  
We all collapsed to our knees as the robot took his place at the main chair, warning us to hold on. There wasn't much to grab onto, though.  
the entire ship was shaking as we tried desperately to escape the black hole, and the robot pushed the ship as hard as he could. And somehow, someway, those miracles I talked about earlier...well, we somehow found another one as we were able to escape.  
Once we were at a safe distance, we all looked towards the window, watching the fate of our home. The earth crumbled so easily, so effortlessly, as it was sucked away and disappeared into a purple swirl of nothing, and ultimately faded away.  
Everything and everyone we ever knew and loved had just faded away, right in front of us.  
We all looked around at each other, inspecting ourselves and making sure no one was hurt in any way.  
April was the first of any of us to speak.  
"Did that really just happen...?" She managed to get out.  
Leo surprised me by speaking next.  
"The earth...Splinter...everyone...everything," He said, his back to all of us and staring at the screen.  
Leo hadn't said anything in a few minutes, but to me, it felt like it had been hours. And the way he said it...so emotionless as he put his head down and shook it.  
Donnie said something nerdy and sciencey, but I wasn't paying attention.  
I had never seen Leo so blank before, but I definitely recognized that tone he had used. It was how he sounded when he blamed himself for something.  
And if I could have only spoken, the first thing I would have done was told him he had nothing to do with it.  
The robot finally introduced himself to us. Dr. Zeta Honeycutt, or whatever he said. It might of been Zayton, I don't know. He promised us we were going on an incredible journey. I couldn't care less.  
I almost scoffed. Was that supposed to make any of us feel better? After everything that had just happened to us? Was that promise supposed to take the pain away?  
I didn't know this guy. I didn't know if we could trust him. But I did know he just pissed me off, badly.  
And unfortunately, Casey was the next one to speak.  
"This is so awesome!" He shouted, like he was actually excited.  
Two things happened in the moments after Casey's outburst. One, I saw Leo tense. And he began shaking. Slightly, like you really had to be looking at him to tell. But he was.  
And two, I finally was able to speak again.  
"Casey, shut the hell up," I whispered.  
Everyone but Leo turned to look at me.  
"What'd ya say, Raph?" Casey asked.  
I turned and looked at him dead in the eyes, fire burning in my chest.  
"I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP!" I exploded.  
Whatever light was behind Casey's eyes, it instantly burned out. His fire was dull compared to mine.  
"We just lost everything and every one, and you can forget about that instantly because we're in space?" I demanded. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"  
"Maybe I'm trying to be positive!" Casey suddenly fought back. "Maybe I'm trying to lift everybody up!"  
"Why in the hell would that lift us up, Jones?! We're drifting in space off to God knows where and all you care about is beating up whatever's out there! Well what about your dad, Casey?! What about your little sister?! They're both dead! EVERYONE IS DEAD."  
Casey's face fell, and his lip twitched as he tried to come up with a rebuttal. But God, I was so mad...I actually reached for my sais, wanting to hurt my best friend for being such an idiot. His eyes caught my movement, and he glared at me, reaching for his baseball bat.  
Oh, God, I was gonna enjoy this...  
We almost charged for each other when a flash of red hair jumped between us, and we both skidded to a halt.  
April whipped her head to face Casey, and then turned her glare on me. Tears were streaming down her face.  
"Don't you dare fight each other," she hissed through her tears. "Each of you is right. We've lost everything and we need some positivity, but we are all we have left. Do not tear us apart."  
Casey blinked a few times, and then slowly put his bat away.  
"You're right," he breathed, looking down. "Sorry, Red. Sorry, Raph."  
I didn't say anything back. I just put my sais away and walked towards the window in the ship, wondering where we were going.  
"Right, yes..." Professor whatever his name was cut the silence awkwardly. "On we go, I suppose. It will take us a few days to reach our first destination as using up so much fuel to escape the quantum pull of the black hold generator seems to have depleted most of our..."  
I tuned him out. I wouldn't have understood anyway.  
I took a second and looked back at everyone. Casey, Donnie, Mikey and April were all sitting on the floor next to each other, looking down but staying close. Leo was on the opposite side of the room, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. He was staring at the floor intently.  
"Not to worry, though!" the Professor's voice boomed, startling me slightly. "We have plenty of supplies to hold us until we make it."  
With that, he walked back over to his chair and began typing things and pushing buttons. I guessed he was plotting out coarse or whatever.  
I forced myself to look back at the other group. Mikey was now looking right back at me, pleading. So I sighed and made my way over there, sitting next to him. He put his head on my shoulder and sipped his hot chocolate that the robot dude had given him. And we all just sat there in silence, trying to comprehend everything. Anything.

I woke up from a dreamless sleep, exhausted and disoriented.  
It was impossible to tell just what time it was here...but the lights were still off and everyone was still curled up in their sleeping bags. Even Professor Honeycutt was still idol, locked in his charging station. I assumed it was pretty early, but I knew I wasn't going to fall back asleep.  
So I sat up and rubbed my eyes, waiting for them to readjust.  
My eyes found their way to the front of the ship, to the giant window revealing an endless sea of darkness and stars.  
It had been two days since everything had happened. And I was still numb. We all were.  
The Fugitoid told us more about him as we drifted towards where ever it was we were going. How he was this brilliant scientist who got stuck in the middle of some horrible accident and got merged with a robot or whatever. Honestly I didn't pay much attention to him when he spoke. I don't think any of us did. And eventually, I don't know when, he just left us to our silence. Our mourning.  
We had all spent the last 48 hours locked in place. We sat in the middle of the ship's main room, just trying to make sense of it all and to accept that it had happened.  
Donnie and Mikey stayed close together the whole time. Every few hours, Mikey would silently shed a few tears, and Donnie would just pull him close and close his eyes, like he was trying to hold back his own.  
April and Casey also stayed side by side. Every now and then, April would pull out her tPhone, and look at pictures of everything we had lost...and her dad.  
I didn't know how she handled it. She had lost her father more times than I could count at that point. And here I was, losing my father just twice and not even being able to find the _words_ to describe the pain.  
Everything just hurt. So, so badly. And there wasn't anything that any of us could do to fix it all. To make it better. To save everyone and everything.  
So many thoughts raged in my head as I looked out of that window. So many questions.  
How could we go on? Where would we even go? What would we do once we got there?  
...Was there even a point in trying anymore?  
But the second that thought hit me, I shook it off.  
I had lost so much, but I had to remind myself that I hadn't lost _everything_. Looking back on my friends and my brothers' sleeping forms, I had to remind myself that they needed me. And I needed them.  
All of them.  
I needed Casey, my best friend. I needed April, the sister I always wanted. And I needed my brothers, Donnie, Mikey and...  
I frowned.  
The untouched sleeping bag next to Mikey was empty.  
My eyes drifted to where I knew he'd be. In that same spot, curled up and wordless.  
I thought back over the last few days, trying to find any interaction with him.  
He hadn't moved since he'd put himself there. He hadn't spoken to any of us and we hadn't tried speaking to him. He didn't eat or drink anything that was offered to him. He just sat there, isolated and hating himself for everything that had happened, even though none of it ever his fault.  
I looked back to our small family, and suddenly noticed how incomplete it was. It would never be complete again without Master Splinter and all of our other friends...but it could be a little less broken. I just had to get him back.  
I had to get Leo back.  
I stood up slowly and walked over to him. He didn't look up at me or anything. He just kept staring at the wall in front of him, lost and broken.  
So I lowered myself directly in front of him.  
It was like he didn't even see me, and it was like it was the first time I was seeing him.  
Leo had his mask pulled down, loosely hanging around his neck. And even in the low light, I could still see the dark circles underneath, telling me he hadn't slept in days. He was paler than usual too. His eyes were completely bloodshot, too. I couldn't tell if it was from his lack of sleep, or the countless tears I'm sure he had silently shed.  
Basically, he looked worse than he did that day the Shredder almost killed him, and that did not feel good to think about.  
And he remained perfectly still, not acknowledging me.  
"Leo, dude, you look awful..." I unconsciously blurted out.  
I wanted to punch myself in the face the moment the words left my mouth. I was such a damn idiot. Was that really the first thing I had just said to him? But when I tried to recover, I couldn't find anything else to say.  
He blinked a few times, as if he was really just noticing that I was there for the first time. Was he really that out of it?  
His eyes never did move from the wall, though.  
It stayed silent for a while.  
"You should be sleeping, Raphael," he surprised me by suddenly speaking. "It's late."  
He was so monotone, so matter-of-fact in his response. And I stared at him, shocked. He could not be serious...  
"I'm not the one who needs sleep," I muttered.  
It went back to silence after that. Leo staring at the wall; me, staring at Leo. I was trying so hard to piece together what I should say to him, but he just looked so...  
There aren't _words_ to describe how broken Leo looked.  
I could see it. I could see so much pain burning behind his tired eyes. It was true that we were all hurting, but Leo? Leo was on an entirely different level.  
Leo was so far gone in his grief, and I was suddenly so sorry I hadn't tried to see that earlier.  
"Seriously, dude, come lay down..." I tried again...lamely.  
Seriously, was there anything I could say to this guy?  
"I'm fine," was all he said back.  
Fine? Yeah, right...  
"You're not fine, Leo," I begged for him to see. "You're the farthest thing from it right now..."  
"I'm fine," he repeated.  
I stared at him, utterly dumbfounded that he was so in denial.  
"C'mon, dude..." I said, reaching for his arm slowly.  
The second my hand touched his shoulder, his eyes went wide and snapped to mine. And he shook me off instantly. I yanked my hand away just as quickly.  
"Don't touch me," he hissed, curling into himself and inching away from me.  
His eyes were crazed and he looked like I had just set him on fire. Tears were forming in his eyes as he snapped his vision to the floor.  
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," he was whispering over and over again.  
I didn't know if he was trying to convince himself or me at that point, but I did know that if my heart was broken for Leo before this, it was shattered now.  
"I'm fine, I'm fine...I'm fine. I'm-I'm fine."  
He was choking on his words, clearly trying to hold back this massive hysteria he'd been holding back since it all happened. And I couldn't stand to see him in so much pain.  
I took a small, steadying breath.  
"Leo, you're not fine and it's okay," I told him.  
He looked up at me. It was like like he didn't understand.  
"You don't have to be the one to hold us all up," I said slowly. "We all feel the same way you do. We all lost so much, you don't have to be the only one to suffer and you don't have to suffer alone. We're all here for you."  
His eyes grew wider with every single word I spoke, and I knew exactly what was going through his head. I knew my brother well enough to know exactly what he was thinking, and it was the farthest thing from the truth.  
"No, Leo," I shook my head. "That's not tr-"  
"It's all my fault," he cut me off, frantic now. "I knew teaming up with the Foot was a horrible idea. I knew it the second Sensei said it that we couldn't trust him. But Mikey was gone and I was so focused on that and Casey and everyone else was in danger. There was just too much going on. I couldn't handle it all."  
I didn't stop him from speaking. Even though I knew that it wasn't his fault, I just had to let him get it out. He had to let go of what he was holding, so it couldn't poison him anymore.  
"I messed it all up. I was a bad leader who made bad choices. And I thought I could stop it. Up there on that Triceraton ship...I thought if we just took out Mozar, then it would all go away. I stupidly thought that I could fix it. But I couldn't.  
"And I couldn't save our father. I let him and April run off into this crazy alliance with our enemy, and I didn't stop him. I was distracted, exactly what a good leader shouldn't ever be. And it wasn't just us who suffered because I failed. It was everyone. Everyone in the entire world. They're all dead because I failed.  
"If I had known that me, asking to be leader that one night in the dojo would have lead to everything that it's lead to...I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have raised my hand and said those words that literally ended the world."  
He gritted his teeth as the tears he was holding back started to pour out uncontrollably.  
"'Can I be leader?'" Leo mocked himself. "Can I constantly put my brothers in danger and think I'm making the right calls? Can I be in charge and let everyone down countless times, and eventually end the world, _Sensei_?"  
His hands balled into fists on the last word.  
"Sensei..." he breathed, more tears impossibly spilling. "Sensei..."  
I watched as he put his buries his head behind his knees and sobbed.  
"Sensei, Master Splinter...father," he choked between sobs. "Please come back. I'm-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm-so sorry. Please. I can't-I can't do this."  
Leo cried. He cried in a way I've never seen him cry before. And it terrified me.  
All of it. His _words_ , and how much truth he thought was behind them. So I did the only thing I could do.  
I wrapped my arms around him, and I didn't let him go. Not when he squirmed and tried to get out of my hold. Not when he cried harder. I just held him, and hoped that my not saying anything was more powerful than any words I could tell him.  
Eventually he stopped fighting it, and just collapsed into me.  
"I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry," he cried over and over again. "Please. Please. I'm so sorry..."  
I just held him.  
Without warning, I felt more arms wrap around Leo and I. I looked up to see Donnie and Mikey.  
"We're sorry too, Leo," Donnie said.  
I didn't know how much they had heard or seen, but I looked over and saw Casey and April watching us from the center of the room. I think they understood that this was a moment only we as brothers could share.  
"It's okay, Leo," Mikey said. "We all have each other. We're gonna be okay."  
I was so thankful for their _words_ and so confused as to how they found the strength to say those things. I'm supposed to be the strong one...  
"You guys shouldn't be sorry," Leo cried from underneath all of our arms. "I'm the one who messed up. It's all because of me."  
"Leo, it's impossible for all of it to be your fault," Donnie said. "None of it was. You did everything you could to stop it. We all did."  
"Everyone's gone," Leo continued. "Everyone's gone..."  
"No way, dude," Mikey squeed us all tighter while he spoke. "We're still here. And we're all still together. It's like Master Splinter told us once...'do you know what I do when I miss my loved ones from the past? I focus on the friends I am surrounded by in the present.'"  
Leo tensed, and he grew noticeably quieter. He was still crying and he was shaking...but Mikey and Donnie...and Master Splinter's _words_ finally broke through to him.  
"I failed," Leo whispered. "I messed up worse than I ever have before. How can you not hate me for that?"  
I pulled back and he looked up at me.  
"You have _never_ failed us, Leo," I told him. "You never have and you never will. Master Splinter, all our friends...they're all so proud of the leader you are. And Mikey and Donnie are right: none of this was because of you, and you're not alone.  
"We're all here. We're not going anywhere. And we're going to carry on together, the way we always have, the way we always will. Because it's what father would have wanted. And we need our fearless leader to guide us."  
He blinked for a few seconds, looking back and forth between Donnie, Mikey and myself. Tears were still streaming down his face, but he just looked at us.  
And just when I didn't know what to expect, he threw his arms around all of us and pulled us back together again.  
Automatically, all four of us wrapped our arms around each other. And I'm pretty sure we were all crying.  
We stayed like that for what felt like a long time, until the tears stopped and there was just silence again. Silence, until Mikey yawned.  
There were no more words to be said, we didn't have any left.  
We _all_ stood up, and walked back to our sleeping area. Casey and April had fallen asleep again, and we all lied in our spots.  
I yawned when my head hit my pillow, and closed my eyes. I didn't realize how exhausted I was after all of that.  
"Thanks Raph," I heard Leo say.  
I opened my eyes and turned my head to face him, but his eyes were closed and he was already basically asleep.  
Good thing, too. He really needed it.  
"Thanks Leo," I whispered back.  
I scooted my sleeping bag closer to his, and smiled when I saw Mikey already passed out too, holding onto Leo's left arm. Donnie had gotten closer to all of us too before he fell back asleep as well.  
I spent my last few moments of consciousness lying there, thinking.  
We didn't know where we were going. We didn't know what we would see or come across. We didn't know what the future held for us from that moment on...but we did know we would face it together.  
And that meant more than any _words_ I could ever say.


End file.
